CG's Fairytale Theater: Shrek
by Rocky and CG
Summary: I'm submitting this fic for my friend, CG, since she's too much of a wuss to send it in herself. This is a parody of a fairytale and we hope you enjoy her weird (very weird) and twisted (very twisted)humor. G/L


[PG-13]  
  
  
Dani's Slayers Fairy Tale Theater  
  
  
C.G.: Hello, I'm the Caffeinated Goddess and welcome to Master Parody Theater. I'm sorry to inform everyone that my podium is a little tied up today and will be unable to perform his co-hosting duties like being totally annoying.  
  
sound coming from the closet  
  
Mrrrphhhhhhhh…  
  
Dani throws a shoe at the closet  
  
C.G.: BAD CLOSET!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!! Now on with the fairy tale I do not own with characters I do not own. Once upon a time there was a princess that was trapped in the highest tower of a castle located over real hot lava. The castle was also guarded by a deadly fire-breathing dragon. To make matter worse, the princess had a curse put upon her that turns her into a horrible monster at sunset. The only way to break the curse was true love's first kiss. Many have tried to rescue the princess but none succeeded. In the kingdom of Saillune, Prince Alfred was planning to take over the entire world but he wanted everything to be perfect so he needed a bride. He heard the stories of the princess in the tower and knew she was the one for him just from the rumors. He called for his best knight.   
  
Alfred: I want you, Sir Gourry, to bring me back the princess of the tower.  
  
Gourry: Can't you just put out a personal ad?  
  
C.G.: And with that, Sir Gourry traveled to the isolated castle over the boiling lava.  
  
Gourry: Life sucks. ::sweatdrops::  
  
C.G.: He crossed the bridge and into the castle and soon was face to face with the terrifying dragon.   
  
Gourry: ::sweatdrop:: Oh crap.   
  
C.G.: Scratch that, terrifying DRAG-on.   
  
Gourry: AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!   
  
C.G.: Sir Gourry was chased throughout the castle and hit a dead-end as the DRAG-on slithers forward.  
  
Gourry: ::cries:: I'M DOOMED!!!!  
  
C.G.: Suddenly there is laughing throughout the hall.  
  
Zangulus: I KNEW IT!! How dare the prince ask you to do such a task when I am so much better than you?  
  
Gourry: True.   
  
Zangulus: Huh? I mean… YES!!!   
  
Gourry: And you're much bigger than me. MUCH, MUCH bigger!   
  
Zangulus: That is true too! Errr…  
  
C.G.: Two seconds later, Zangulus is chased throughout the castle.   
  
Zangulus: DAMN YOU, GOURRY!!!!!!!!!!! AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE…!!!!!  
  
C.G.: Gourry climbed to the top of the tower where the princess lives.  
  
Gourry enters: Hello?  
  
Lina: You're the destined knight that come to rescue me!  
  
Gourry: Err…  
  
Lina: What? Are you enchanted by my beauty?   
  
Gourry: No, I didn't think you would be that flat.   
  
Lina: PERVERT!!!! FIREBALL!!!!  
  
Gourry: ::cries:: AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!   
  
C.G.: Later, back on the main land…  
  
Lina: I suppose I should thank you for rescuing me.   
  
Gourryslightly burnt: No problem.   
  
Lina: But don't expect anything from me!  
  
Gourry: Huh?  
  
Lina: I know what you Knights want! You're not getting a kiss from me!   
  
Gourry: Huh?  
  
Lina: How dare you think you could just take advantage of a poor, innocent maiden?  
  
Gourry: I was ordered by Prince Alf to bring you back to Saillune. He wants to marry you.  
  
Lina: Not on the first date, he doesn't! He'll be lucky if I consider kissing him after we been dating for months! Grrr… THAT JERK!!!!  
  
Gourry: ::sigh::   
  
C.G.: So Princess Lina and Sir Gourry travel back to Saillune, hitting many restaurants on the way.  
  
Gourry: So your sister put a curse on you?  
  
Lina: Yeah.  
  
Gourry: What for?  
  
Lina: Turning her image into a Playboy centerfold.   
  
Gourry: Oh…   
  
Lina: It only happens at night. ::sweatdrop:: Speaking of that, I have to find somewhere to stay. It's almost sunset.   
  
Gourry: But where?   
  
Lina: I'll stay in that abandoned windmill over there. Don't come near until dawn.  
  
Gourry: Ok…  
  
Lina: BYE!!! Thanks for dinner! 3  
  
Gourry: Huh?  
  
C.G.: Gourry stays at a nearby inn, but he can't sleep. He hears strange noises coming from the windmill.  
  
Gourry: She sounds hungry. Maybe I should get her a midnight snack.   
  
C.G.: He gets some snackies and goes to the windmill.   
  
Gourry: Lina?   
  
growls  
  
Gourry: I brought you some snacks!   
  
Linainside the mill: GO AWAY, YOU FILTHY MAN!!!! ::growls::   
  
C.G.: Gourry puts the snacks down and goes back to the inn. Lina sounds so different. It doesn't sound like her at all. A monster. Poor Lina… having to become a monster every night. Gourry couldn't sleep but spent the night staring out the window at the mill. The next day at dawn, Gourry goes to the mill where Lina is already outside.  
  
Gourry: Like the snacks?  
  
Lina: I told you to stay away from the mill, jellyfish brains!   
  
Gourry: I thought you were hungry.  
  
Lina: Just keep away from me at night.   
  
Gourry: Ok.   
  
Lina: As soon as I had my true love's first kiss, then you can give me midnight snacks.   
  
Gourry: You need to be kissed? That's it?  
  
Lina: Yeah.   
  
Gourry: Then kiss somebody already!   
  
Lina: PERVERT!!!!  
  
WHACK  
  
C.G.: So they spend the day at restaurants and finally get to Saillune where Prince Alfred greets them.   
  
Alfred: Welcome to Saillune, Princess Lina.   
  
Lina: It's a pretty impressive place.   
  
Alfred: I am Prince Alfred and I am very honored to meet you.   
  
Lina: Yeah, yeah… Where's the food?   
  
Alfred: Inside, my sweet. I will…  
  
Lina: DON'T TOUCH ME!!!! Come on, Gourry. Let's go, I'm starving.   
  
Alfred: ::growls:: Not so fast. Sir Gourry has other duties to do at the moment.   
  
Gourry: I do?  
  
Alfred: Yes. I will show you around the castle and escort you to your room, Lady Lina  
  
Lina: See you later, Sir Gourry! It's been fun! Hurry back!  
  
Gourry: Ok.  
  
Alfred: ::growls:: This way, Lady Lina.   
  
C.G.: Inside the castle, Lina eats everything on the table while Prince Alfred talks to his "people" about business.   
  
Alfred: I want you to send Sir Gourry away somewhere so I can win the affections of the fair Princess Lina or get her drunk, whichever comes first. I like the girls who play hard-to-get.   
  
C.G.: So they send Sir Gourry on a mission that would surely keep him away for a long time.  
  
Gourry: What's this about a magic lamp? Boy, oh boy… Isn't he ever satisfied with what he got?  
  
Zangulus: Hi Gourry.   
  
Gourry: Hey! How did you get away from that DRAG-on?  
  
Zangulus: I was dumped. He said I was too much of a jerk.   
  
Gourry: Oh…   
  
Zangulus: I'll kill you later but I have to report back to Saillune.  
  
Gourry: Sorry to hear that.  
  
Zangulus: Shut up.   
  
C.G.: Gourry traveled further but thoughts of the times he had with Lina raced through his head.  
  
Flashback scenes of Lina and him meeting, scenes of them eating, scenes of them running through fields, scenes of them eating, scenes of Lina beating the crap out of him, scenes of them eating all while sappy music is playing   
  
C.G.: Gourry could not stand the thought of Lina being with someone else and beating the crap out of that someone else. Besides that, what will they do when they find out she turns into a horrible creature at night? They would hurt her! So, Sir Gourry sprints back to Saillune to steal Lina away. Prince Alfred finds it confusing that Lina would want to sleep so early as he watches the sun set.   
  
Alfred: Maybe, I can bring a bottle of wine upstairs tonight and put the moves on her while she's drunk. Godiva Chocolates too! smiles Perfect.    
  
C.G.: He puts on his best suit, and goes to Lina's door with flowers, wine, and Godiva Chocolates… Closet?   
  
knocks   
  
C.G.: Thank you.    
  
Alfred: Princess Lina? May I come in? I have a surprise for you.   
  
C.G.: He enters but Lina is not in her room.   
  
Alfred: Lina?   
  
C.G.: He notices the sexy red dress that he ordered for her was gone.   
  
Alfred: I get it! evil smiles Where are you, Lina? Li… na?   
  
C.G.: Suddenly, there is a scream coming from his Cousin Amelia's room close by. When he flings open the door, he sees a monster attacking Amelia while she was changing for bed. The monster holds Amelia down as it licks her body. It is wearing the red sexy dress.   
  
Alfred: LINA?!?!?!  
  
Amelia: ::cries:: HELP ME!!!!!!  
  
Fatora: lick You know you like it. I love your ripe breasts…   
  
Alfred: WHERE'S LINA?!?!?!?!  
  
Amelia: ::cries:: IT IS LINA!!!!!! I invited her over to my room to talk and she tried to leave when the sun was going down. I stopped her and she turned into that!   
  
Fatora: GET OUT OF HERE, YOU DISGUSTING MAN!!!! Only I know how to please women the right way. Leave us be! ::growls::   
  
Gracia: Amelia, what's wrong!   
  
C.G.: Fatora gets off of Amelia and jumps Gracia, putting her face in her melons.   
  
Fatora: Oooo… You should have told me you had a sister! The more the merrier! grab You're a great sex toy!   
  
Gracia: EEK!!! I AM NOT YOUR SEX TOY!!! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT!!!!  
  
Amelia: ::cries:: IT'S THE CURSE!!!!  
  
Fatora: I wish someone would get this filth out of here!   
  
Alfred: This is supposed to be my greatest fantasy but I cannot live with this horny bitch! GUARDS!!! I BAN YOU FROM THIS KINGDOM!!!!!   
  
Fatora: HOW DARE YOU TREAT A PRINCESS THIS WAY!!!!!  
  
C.G.: Lina in her monster form was thrown out of the castle.   
  
Fatora: They liked it.   
  
C.G.: Meanwhile, Gourry slowly walks to the castle dressed as a girl, determined to get Lina back. But it doesn't take long before he is jumped.   
  
Fatora: What's a beautiful girl like you doing all alone at night. Let's get a hotel room!  
  
C.G.: Gourry remembered that was the same voice from the mill.  
  
Gourry: Lin---AIIEEEE!!!!   
  
C.G.: Unlike Lina, the monster was grabby.  
  
Fatora: It went "squish". EWWWWW!!! You're a filthy man!!!! I need to wash my hands! YUK!!!!!  
  
Gourry: Lina?  
  
Fatora: Don't touch me!!!!   
  
Gourry: I see why Lina didn't want me around her at night! She turns into a skanky lesbian ho! I see now! Lina, even if you turn into a slutty lesbian ho every night, I won't abandon you. hugs I'll find us a house and I'll protect you for the rest of my life. We'll live somewhere near lots of restaurants.    
  
Fatora: GRRRRRR… LET GO, PIG!!!!  
  
Gourry: I take that as a "yes".  
  
C.G.: And so, Gourry drags the skank all night until dawn where Lina's true form returns.   
  
Lina: Wha… What happened?  
  
Gourry: It's a long story.  
  
Lina: Why am I wearing this slinky dress?  
  
Gourry: Well…  
  
Lina: PERVERT!!!!!  
  
BOOM  
  
C.G.: They dated several months and finally Lina let Gourry kiss her and the curse was broken. They lived happily ever after. The end.   
  
Xellos: If only Zelly had it so easy.  
  
C.G.: HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE CLOSET?!?!?!? I thought the   
PowerPuff Girl pictures would weaken you!!!!!  
  
Xellos:  I used the force.   
  
C.G. takes out whip: I told you I wanted one fairy tale without you!!!  
  
Xellos: And you did a wonderful job. Don't hit me.   
  
  
* The movie was Shrek  



End file.
